OBAMA'S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
Thank you all. Mrs. Speaker, Vice President Dean, members of Congress, members of the Supreme Court, and diplomatic corps,
distinguished guests, and comrades:
I first wish to commend the Senate for helping me head off a constitutional crisis, with their quick confirmation of the five new Supreme
Court Justices who sit with us here tonight. The FBI and Capitol Police continue to investigate the circumstances which surround the
tragic automobile accident that took the lives of Justices Alito, Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas when the Toyota Prius, in which they were
carpooling, was T-boned by the SUV, driven by Justice Kennedy, on their way to my inauguration. Adding further to the tragedy was
Justice Kennedy’s impalement on the SUV’s steering column when the vehicles’ airbag failed to deploy. Justice Kennedy was not
wearing his seat belt, a clear violation of law. The departments of Justice and Transportation are also investigating the auto
As I promised in my campaign, we will always look for new and progressive ways forward and I believe that Bill and Hillary Clinton,
serving as the first husband and wife team on the Court, demonstrates my commitment to that promise. I’m sure that Justices Souter,
Ginsberg, Stevens, and Breyer, join their new associates, John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich, and Al Franken in wishing the Clintons well
My fellow comrades, I have been informed by the NSA, as authorized by FISA, and other intelligence gathering agencies of the
government, that there is considerable telephone and internet traffic suggesting a possible conspiracy in the death of the Supremes. It
is imperative that this cease now. The executive orders which I issued to the FCC, under the “Fairness Doctrine” to halt “Talk Radio’s”
sedition could be extended to individuals if we don’t get refocused on our two global emergencies immediately.
I outlined in my inaugural address that my administration will focus on two issues and two issues only: global warming and full global
employment. I am again grateful to Congress and to Speaker Pelosi for shutting off debate and passing the enabling legislation quickly
so that we can begin tomorrow morning.
The “Full Employment” treaty with the United Nations, which the Senate ratified yesterday, coupled with congressional passage of the
“Full Employment” bill will once and for all bring peace and prosperity to the entire globe. Key components of the treaty and legislation
consist of: elimination of the minimum wage, establishment of a 40% flat income tax, without exemptions, for all non-government
employees and the establishment of a non-partisan commission to set government employee’s pay rates. Replacing the private sector
minimum wage is a maximum wage that will be initially set at $11.00 per hour. This rate will be locked in until we reach full global
The “Global Warming Reduction” initiative, also a joint program of the US and the UN, will generate the jobs necessary to reach the goal
of full universal employment. Administered by the GSA, Government Services Administration, the program will turn the entire global
economy into a giant construction contractor. In keeping with its long standing policies of private sector involvement, the GSA is
reviewing lists of “Affirmative Action” qualified construction management firms. One will be selected to be the “global program director.”
The first mission of the “global program director” is to implement the measures required to halt “man caused” global warming. All fossil
energy consumption will be reduced by 50% by year end 2010.
The second mission of the GPD is to contract for the construction of the necessary infrastructure to stop global warming. My GW Czar, Al
Gore, will advise the GPD and their UN counterparts on the surface and sub-surface projects which will be required.
Czar Gore has informed me that along with the cuts in fossil fuel use and rapid construction of wind and solar projects, coupled with the
behemoth projects to cap continental and sub-ocean volcanoes, we can whip this global warming thing by 2020.
Comrades, my predecessor, George W. Bush warned you that the war on terrorism would be long. Well, the war on global warming may
be long too. But with brothers and sisters, of all faiths, busy shoveling rocks into volcanoes, isn’t it great to know that there’s no time
for killing. I really feel good vibrations here.
I know that you’ll sleep better tonight knowing that we’re here looking out for you.
I would ask for your consideration on one matter. Due to the security concerns of the office that I hold, I need to be exempted from this
fuel reduction thing. I need Air Force One and my bullet proof customized Navigator.
Peace Be Upon You